16 ANIMAL CROSSING VILLAGERS, ACCORDING TO MY MUM

Not sure if you’ve noticed but, uhh, during self-isolation, I’ve been playing a lot of Animal Crossing (and writing about it almost constantly). And, I’m not alone: the internet has created some immaculately believable stories about some of its furry residents. CJ and Flick *are* in a gay canon relationship, Tom Nook is a tired dad, Bones is best boy, and Raymond allegedly loves to be in a maid costume. No, I will not explain anything I have just written.

So, with that in mind, I thought I’d create an Animal Crossing AU of my own with the help of my Mum. That’s right, inspired by that old meme of someone’s mum naming characters from Super Smash Bros., I thought I’d ask my Mum what she thought some of our most beloved Animal Crossing villagers were, their names and their roles on my island (aptly called Purgatory, btw). 

From Raymond to Tom Nook, here are 16 Animal Crossing villagers according to my Mum. Bless her soul for agreeing to one of my many moments of internet clownery. 

Bones

What their actual name and job is: Bones the lazy dog villager.

What my Mum thinks their name and job is: Rupert the real estate agent.

Her evaluation: “He looks quite squeaky clean. He looks a bit polished. He’s a dog.”

Tom Nook

What their actual name and job is: Tom Nook the *actual* real estate agent, leader, task giver and island upgrader on your island.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Steve the unemployed beach bum.

Her evaluation: “He looks like a Steve. He hangs out at the beach with the Hawaiian shirt.”

“Does he have a job?”

“He’s just a beach bum.”

“Is he retired?

“No.”

Rizzo

What their actual name and job is: Rizzo the cranky mouse villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Rizzo the exterminator.

Her evaluation: *My Mum pauses and stares at him for a solid minute*

“He looks like a healthcare worker. No, not a healthcare worker. An exterminator. I see all these bugs in the back and death. Got a lot of death around him.”

Pietro

What their actual name and job is: Pietro the multicoloured clown-looking sheep villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Maevis the Pastry Chef. 

Her evaluation: “They look like someone who loves cakes, colourful food and yummy things.”

Raymond

What their actual name and job is: Raymond the well-mannered cat villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Andrew the lawyer.

Her evaluation: “[He’s] always looking for a solution to a problem.”

Blathers

What their actual name and job is: Blathers the director of your island’s museum.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Pearl the actor.

Her evaluation: “He looks like an entertainer. Theatre. A theatre actor [called] Pearl. Very Shakespearean and Thespian.”

Isabelle

What their actual name and job is: Isabelle the island’s town planning assistant.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Dottie the childcare worker.

Her evaluation: “She looks like a childcare worker. Dot, short for Dottie.”

“Would you trust your child with Dottie the childcare worker?”

“Yeah.”

Julian

What their actual name and job is: Julian the glitter-loving unicorn villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Bruce the cowboy.

Her evaluation: “Cowboy. He just looks – no, he’s more like a statesman, a politician.”

“A cowboy politician?”

“No, I’ll stick with the cowboy because of the way he’s standing. Bruce the cowboy.”

Zipper

What their actual name and job is: Zipper the Easter Bunny.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Tom the community care worker.

Her evaluation: “He looks like a happy person. He looks like someone who’s very open. Probably a community care worker. You can call him… Tom.”

Hopper

What their actual name and job is: Hopper the cranky penguin villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Malcolm the conservative politician.

Her evaluation: “He’s a penguin. A politician. Right wing conservative. He looks stern and his name would be Malcolm.”

Timmy & Tommy

What their actual names and jobs are: Timmy and Tommy, Tom Nook’s adopted children, shopkeepers and owners of the Nook’s Cranny.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Ita and Izira the island’s cheerleaders.

Her evaluation: “Cheerleaders. Crowd pleasers. Ita and Izira.”

Marina

What their actual name and job is: Marina the bubblegum pink octopus villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Mia the hairdresser.

Her evaluation: “Hairdresser. She’s a bit out there with her outfit, that’s why. I’ll call her Mia.”

Patty

What their actual name and job is: Patty the peppy brown cow villager.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Melika the firefighter.

Her evaluation: “Looks like a plumber. She looks quite strong – no, firefighter. Melika.”

Flick

What their actual name and job is: Flick the bug-hunting chameleon.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Igor the scientist.

Her evaluation: “A scientist. Igor because he’s very strange looking. He’s got bugs, he’s a very odd looking guy and he looks like he likes catching things and he’s weird.”

Orville

What their actual name and job is: Orville the Dodo Airlines (DAL) receptionist at your island’s airport.

What my Mum think their name and job is: Bob the police officer.

Her evaluation: “Is he good at his job? No because he looks like a fat cop. See he’s got this here [points to satchel], the gun…”

Julian Rizzo-Smith is a writer and producer. He also claims to be a vine historian, avid connoisseur of low-fi beats, indie hip hop and Kermit memes. In a perfect world, he’d be married to Tyler the Creator, own an Arcanine and a Lapras, and don his own Sailor Scouts uniform. He tweets @GayWeebDisaster, which is also, coincidentally, how one might describe him.

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