It’s April. Time in social isolation stretches out before us like an endless stream of TikToks.
Like the memey vids they are at first novel and full of promise—I can wear leggings 24/7! I have no commute time! — and then repetitive and concern inducing—am I a cartoon character? Is this why my outfits aren’t changing? The other thing that’s stretching out is the time since our last haircuts. Whether you’re into letting everything go or find comfort in the rituals of maintaining your pre-isolation appearance, your hair doesn’t really care. It grows on, unaffected as the pandemic goes on.
We’ve seen waves of dye-jobs, fringes, buzzcuts—if you’re feeling particularly “fuck it” you could even try a mullet. Whether motivated by boredom, catharsis or just not being able to stand the weight of the pineapple bun on your head, hairstyle changes during isolation are still one of the few ways we can wring some control from this situation. Perhaps a quarantine haircut in an inevitability at this point.
What was completely fucking unexpected, however, was Armie Hammer’s take on the quarantine haircut. The Call My By Your Name actor has debuted a powerful new hairstyle that is perfectly matched in its tenor of chaos to the current virus vibes. In dramatically an IG mirror selfie, Hammer stares deep into our souls, his gaze meeting us over a handlebar moustache and a short curly mohawk.
There’s just so much going on here. The DIY-style festival crop top, complete with a cut in v-neck and fringing ala Coachella 2015, the shorts in a suspiciously boardshorts-esque pattern, the jaunty hand on the hip. We spy what looks like a tray of undercooked pastizzi on the counter. Was this a post-white-processed-snack, carb-coma fuelled decision? To be fair, those pastizzi could be literally anything.
The response on IG to Hammer’s new haircut has been a mixture of horny, supportive and en point drags.
Teen Wolf honey Colton Haynes and the undisputed king of the crop top, artist Kid Cudi both approve.
Others were concerned this haircut could be a key character in the upcoming Call Me By Your Name sequel.
Some people noted the Tiger King vibes.
But the most important response is dear Timmy’s. Simple, brief, encapsulates his mood.
What have we learned? Horniness is in the eye of the beholder.