Before you come for us, yeah we get it, size isn’t everything, all bods are gr8 etc. Okay, now that we can make jokes, please let us introduce you to this joyous follow-up to the “Big Dick Energy” trend of a few years ago. Over on our favourite app/addiction, TikTok content creators are making stunning videos about whether someone is well-endowed, based on things that are absolutely unrelated to their actual size leanings. Because quite a number of these are from the perspective of straight women about straight dudes, a lot of them are absolutely just Nice And Good Things that we’d really hope people do anyway.
For example, if he communicates well, if he’s not intimidated by vibrators, if he’s chill with body hair—his dick is big. Let’s… not talk about how the bar is so low it’s basically a speed bump at this point.
The “his dick is big” TikToks in questions are set to a sound from a Doja Cat song mixed with a voice clip that exclaims, “Oh, his dick is big.” The sound has been absolutely thrashed, used about 33,000 times at the time of writing.
When examining the content with a lil scrutiny amongst the Slack-roundtable, a prescient point was made. How are we differentiating between things that are just, things we reckon any nice boyfriend should do vs. indicators of dick-bigness? Let’s propose this taxonomy: these are things that would mean his dick is big if he’s not your boyfriend when performing these behaviours.
So, without further ado, please find our submissions to the unofficial guide of how to tell if his dick is big.
How To Tell If His Dick Is Big
He orders you food even when you say you didn’t want any
He knows what to *do*
He composts and knows how to accurately sort recycling
Only environmentally concious kings for us, thanks.
He doesn’t call his exes “crazy”
“I made you this playlist”
Need we say more? His dick is big.
He actually listens to your podcast reccomendations and reads the articles you send
We’re not sending them for fun, buddy!
He’s chill w period sex
He *gets* K-pop
He cries freely during chick flicks… and doesn’t call them chick flicks
His dick is big if he generally bucks reductive ideas about who should consume what content, gendered ideas about beauty and grooming. Like so: