Is Robert Pattinson Okay?

I won’t lie to you, we’ve all turned to obscure comfort food during this period of social distancing and self-isolation. It’s completely fair and valid during a crisis to turn to things that soothe us and make us feel all warm and loved. 

Maybe you like a cheese toasty or a mountain of milo. For me, nothing beats a pile of roasted sweet potatoes drenched in olive oil, for others like Syrup’s own Head of Gen Z (yes, that is legit her title) Mahalia Chang and our susty fermented food loving queen Monisha Rudrahn, it’s mac and cheese, pasta and shin ramyun (or shall we say, shin ramyum… I’ll see myself out).

Either way, your choice of comfort food is completely valid and I encourage you to embrace whatever helps you during this scary Covid-19 pandemic. Unless your name is Robert Pattinson, because I am absolutely McFucking losing it at his meal of choice. His go-to snack. His pièce de résistance. His attack on my Italian fucking heritage. 

Srsly, Edward Cullen, what the fuckity fuck is this. 

I don’t want to live in the same world as Robert Pattinson’s disgusting microwave pasta recipe

In a chaotic interview with GQ, The Lighthouse star shared how he’s coping during this self-isolation period. The pandemic hit the U.K. while he was in the middle of production of a new Matt Reeves directed Batman starring Pattinson as the leading hero. So, instead of being at his Los Angeles home, he’s stuck in a London apartment with nothing but three T-shirts. 

To survive this pandemic, Bruce Wayne has been skipping his extensive daily training routine and “eating out of cans and stuff.” Unlike our common comfort food, he’s opting for tabasco sauce on cans of tuna, protein powder sprinkled porridge and his makeshift pasta recipe: Piccolini Cuscino. Or, as he tried to pitch it to a famous pasta chef in L.A. who literally blanked him because he was so disgusted by the idea, a “fast food version of pasta.” 

Buckle up gang, because this about to be a bumpy fucking ride of a story. 

FYI, over the course of the interview, the interviewer Zach Baron gradually loses his patience with Pattinson’s chaotic energy. The 34-year-old star breaks into hysterics over sharing that his agent is *constantly* worried about his intensely chaotic energy and has to do damage control after every interview. Several people close to Pattinson admit he’s “constantly fucking with you.” Case in point: he later suggests that Twilight and Christopher Nolan films are arthouse films. It’s all quite a lot tbh.

But, anyway, the most chaotic and unhinged part of this hog-fucking-wild interview is near the end when Pattinson offers to cook Baron a meal via Zoom. And, not just any meal but his isolation comfort meal and his own cursed pasta recipe… which is where things devolve into some kind of manic performance art.

You see, the ingredients to Pattinson’s “Piccolini Cuscino” include microwaved penne pasta, piles of sugar, eight pre-slices of cheese, breadcrumbs (or as he could only find, crushed cornflakes) and a hamburger bun.

First, he puts the penne in a bowl of water with no salt or olive oil and into the microwave for eight minutes (I…), admitting that he’s had to google how to microwave pasta a few times over the last few weeks to get it right… instead of, y’know, just boiling the water like a normal person on the stove. Then, he lays out a tray of foil and mixes a mountain of sugar, too many pre-slices of cheese for one man, adds another layer and then crushes some cornflakes, creating some form of uhh crumbed dry sauce? 

He then destuffs a hamburger bun, crisping its crusty edges before placing the foil wrapped concoction into the carb-infused base. The microwave dings and he burns his hands getting the pasta out, dropping it into the foil parcel and into the bread. Wrapping it up in one chaotic and messy bow, he adds more sugar. 

“I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese,” he told GQ. “It really needs a sugar crust.”

From there, he carves out the initials P.C. after the dish’s name using a comically enlarged lighter, adding that he needs to do whatever he can for the brand, and laughing hysterically all while this happens. He puts it all into what he isn’t sure is a microwave or oven. Then, seconds later, the interviewer hears a large pop and flash and flickering from Pattinson’s screen. The micro-oven begins to blink and sparks flicker. It explodes. Live, in an interview and over Zoom. As it sparks one more time and shuts off, smoke creeping out into the kitchen, Pattinson stumbles to the floor and into a manic laughing frenzy.

“Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,” he concludes, “but that is a Piccolini Cuscino.”

Is… Is Robert Pattinson okay?

However bad you are at cooking, feel confident in knowing that you’ll never be this bad. Surely. Whether this is an act of obscure self-isolation themed performance art or a behind the scenes of a self-isolation-themed manic episode, it really does put forth the question: in our cursed lord and saviour 2020, is Robert Pattinson our one true himbo or merely the Joker to his own Batman persona?

Only time and more Piccolini Cuscino disasters will tell. 

In the meantime, I’ve reached out to my Italian correspondents and pasta experts in Italy–read: my intensely Italian family–for comment.

Julian Rizzo-Smith is a writer and producer. He also claims to be a vine historian, avid connoisseur of low-fi beats, indie hip hop and Kermit memes. In a perfect world, he’d be married to Tyler the Creator, own an Arcanine and a Lapras, and don his own Sailor Scouts uniform. He tweets @GayWeebDisaster, which is also, coincidentally, how one might describe him.

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