How many ~self care~ lists have you read lately that include sitting down for meditation? I’ve lost count. In these trying/uncertain/troubling/meaningless-adjective times, a meditation practice is actually one of the simplest and most accessible ways you can give yourself a little mental space and breathing room.
There’s a lot of misconceptions of what it is to meditate. Like, no your mind does not have to be completely blank. Some meditations are centred around grounding yourself in your senses, focusing on how your body feels, or the feeling of your breath. Others might ask you to focus on a mantra or an intention and when you drift away to come back to it—kindness, openness or perhaps accepting that sometimes a sourdough loaf just wasn’t meant to be.
Then there are guided meditations. These are a really nice entry point for someone new to meditation, really lets someone else steer the ship of your mind for a little while. (I long for the day I’m plugged into the matrix, existing in a physical form is so much fuss).
We’ve rounded up some of our fav self care apps before, but there’s a new spate of guided meditation offerings on the isolation market. Quarantined stars have flocked online to amuse us with celebrity TikToks, not to ignore the endless stream of Instagram Live content and online concerts. Now, we’re having a look at these incredibly unqualified celebrities who’re throwing their hat in the deep breathing ring. Here are nine celebrity meditations, very scientifically ranked by lame/litness.
Celebrity Meditations: Lamest to Best
Alright, let’s kick things off with a Jonas Brother, of all people. Nick Jonas’ effort is actually part of a neat initiative from Audible Australia. The audiobook giant has collaborated with a number of celebrities (one of whom appears later in this list) as well as meditation and wellness experts to create some free Soothing Isolation Content™. Jonas’ offering is not specifically a meditation, rather a bedtime story. These are actually getting more and more common on the meditation app circuit, they’re usually meant to relax you into a peaceful sleep.
The thing is, as a celebrity meditation, this one ain’t it chief. Now, this could very well be cos I’m not the demo to have a Jonas Brother gently send me off to sleep. Also not a huge sports fan, and this story is all about a particular, special baseball swing (?), but your mileage may vary?
Oprah and Deepak Chopra
What would a celebrity meditation list be without the woman herself, Oprah. Oprah is one of transcendental meditation’s most famous advocates. Together with author and alternative medicine advocate Deepak Chopra, she’s created a 21-day meditation series called Hope In Uncertain Times. This is probably the formal celebrity meditation on this list. Each of the episodes centres around a theme and both Oprah and Chopra are very soothing to listen to. It feels like OG wisdom from POCs who actually know what’s up. A good one to try if you want a bit of structure and sequence for your practice.
Calm debuted their “dreamy new narrator” a little while ago, but what better time than a global pandemic to revisit whiskey maker and actor Matthew McConaughey’s contributions to celebrity meditations. In this meditation—again, slightly more of a relaxation story than true meditation—the Oscar-winner reads “Wonder” in which a grandfather explains the magic of the universe and of life itself to his granddaughter.
I love Matt McCon’s voice, he could be yelling this story Magic Mike styles and I’d still probably put it in my queue for soothing savasana track. In fact, I could listen to this… all night, all night, all night.
Another one from the team at Audible, but this time, the MANS himself. Sean John Combs, aka Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Puffy, or Diddy, the multi-hyphenate rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, entrepreneur, record executive, and actor. Oh, and now, guided meditation leader. This piece is called Honour Yourself and honestly, it’s kinda sick, if a little cheesy. Sometimes you just want Diddy to empower you into groundedness and sleep with his rumbly voice you know? And now you can have that.
What I would like to draw your attention to now though, is the above tweet featuring Diddy listening to his own meditation and miming drifting off. I hope he does this every night.
Oh, Chris. You didn’t really think you’d be able to rumble gently through people’s earbuds and relax instead of arousing them, did you? This celebrity meditation comes to us from Thor’s app, Centr. While I downloaded it expressly for the purposes of this story, the app is deep dive into Hemsworth’s network of fitness n health professional friends and their wisdom. This meditation is actually meant for kids, but uh… there’s already been discourse on its unintentional sexiness.
There’s just something about it?? I can imagine his eyes going all crinkly as he intones, “close your eyes,” a slight hint of a smile playing around his mouth, “no peeking.” They knew exactly what they were doing making this. Like, I might actually… keep the Centr app around for a little bit.
Lizzo and SZA
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As your heart beats, it sends a vibration through your body. Imagine all the water and blood and organs in your body vibing to your heartbeat, like a drum.. again.. and again… The higher you vibrate, the higher your body can function. Music is a tool to get to that high vibration, it’s heart opening. Thank you @sza for letting me raise the frequency with you. Some people didn’t understand, but they gon feel it. In case you missed it, here’s something to meditate to— open yo chakras and yo mouth and sing with us!!! I promise you’ll feel better 🌍🥰
Two queens in one meditation? What a blessing. I’m putting this in my gratitude journal. Lizzo and SZA teamed up for an IG Live meditation that involved not only Lizzo flexing her flautist skills but Miss Solána on the damn sound bowl. My chakras: unblocked, my skin: clear, my crippling anxiety: …still there. But that is on me! They caught me slipping and I will apologize and do better.
Namely by digging up whatever shreds of recordings of this beautiful moment I can find and replaying it over and over.
As well as her link up with SZA, Lizzo has performed a number of meditations on her Instagram, with some juicy 30-minute ones that you can still watch after the Live is gone. A lot of the meditations on this list could do well to take note. Not all styles of celebrity meditation are crispy HD audio with kinda cheesy invocations. Lizzo is just here, being herself and putting out good energy, and it’s clear she grasps the actual intent of meditation.
Despite the nice touches of delightful flute playing, incense burning and an enviable crystal collection, in her meditation, she gets to one of the cores of the practice. And that doesn’t require any accoutrements. “Come out of your head, and into your heart,” she says, gently reminding us to let go of the worries and step out of anxiety loops that we’ve been marinating in. I love her, I would die for her, raise an amethyst for Queen Lizzo.
Yesssss, I’ve been waiting for this one. Turn it up! New today from Chris Hemsworth’s Centr app, a guided meditation about planting a garden of positive thoughts from absolute angel Taika Waititi. We adore, we stan, we take our lunch break in the sun and sit for a moment to listen to Waititi. This meditation was beautiful. I have no criticisms. It’s meant for kids, but between Taiki’s soft, calm delivery and the gentle ambient backing track, I think this is a nice one we could all get a benefit from.
The meditation guides us through planting a garden of beautiful and positive thoughts in our mind. Tending to the flowers that bloom carefully, and gently removing negative ones. I actually felt a surge of wistful sadness. It’s true, the grass is greener where we water it. Taika’s meditation is a simple and beautiful reminder that we can change our minds, and make them a little kinder places for us to rest in. Bless. 💕
J. B. Smoove
And now for something completely different. J. B. Smoove, of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiam, brings you the meditation you didn’t know you needed. It’s got everything, breath work, nature visualisations, relaxation prompts. This mans knows how the fuck to do a celebrity meditation. I urge you to watch the above, and as Mr Smoove, says, “breath in through your nose, out through yo’ ass.”
Of course, as with all self care practises, YMMV! Some neurodivergent people find meditation actually stimulates their brain rather than relaxing it, which uhhh is not usually the desired effect. There are ways to make it work for you if you want to try, though. Here’s an excellent thread on the subject. As always, you do you boo.